No matter what my bathroom scale may read, when I leave my counselor’s office, I feel like a 20 pound weight has been removed from my chest. I know that’s a cliché, but I feel physically lighter when I step foot into the parking lot…at least 20 pounds lighter.
I began talk therapy in 2018 when I was at my wit’s end with Aaron. I was emotionally exhausted and needed a fresh perspective. I wanted to move on but something was stopping me…I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
On a teary Friday night (one that I spent alone, of course), I Googled counselors in my area while sitting at my kitchen table. I stumbled upon Psychology Today’s Find a Therapy search tool only to discover an overwhelming number of profiles. I figured I’d feel more comfortable speaking to a woman and I saw a photo of a petite brunette with a friendly face. Of course, all the faces featured on the website were friendly, but this one was different ― I felt connected to her just through her photo. She was the Director of a Christian counseling practice in my city.
“She looks nice,” I thought to myself.
I figured she wouldn’t yell at me for staying so long in a bad relationship. For some reason, that’s what I pictured happening in counseling ― a counselor calling me a fool for not already walking away from him. I pictured the counselor judging me and me leaving the session more hurt than I already was.
That next week, I called to schedule an appointment and was able to get in rather quickly. Her practice was in-network with my insurance and her Office Manager didn’t judge me for wanting to make an appointment.
On a Monday morning shortly before 8:00 a.m., I arrived for my appointment. In-person, she was just as friendly and upbeat as I had imagined.
I told her a bit about Aaron and how the weekend before was a pretty positive one for us, so I was worried I wouldn’t have much to talk about. I mentioned that I was new to therapy. I elaborated about Aaron and our problems. The tears flowed when I explained how angry he’d get at me if I pointed out a “For Rent” sign attached to an apartment or house. She didn’t judge me for crying.
I said that for years I wondered why I couldn’t leave even though I needed more. I asked why I didn’t have the strength to walk away. Again, she didn’t judge me. Without hesitation, she suggested it was because I was an only child and I didn’t want to be alone. Bingo ― at that moment, I became talk therapy’s biggest cheerleader. I never put two and two together ― I didn’t want to be alone even if my partner was a teenager at heart.
I pictured myself playing board games alone as a kid and not having anyone close to my age in my home. Oh my ― she hit the nail on the head in one session.
I’ve met with her every month for about three years now. Before I walked away from Aaron, she reminded me that I had done absolutely everything I could to build a better relationship with him. Her words echoed in my head during the early days when I felt like a failure.
She knows about my family, my work and stressors in my life. She helped me with my weight loss and we’ve explored my lifelong struggle with anxiety. I’ve received much guidance, kindness and encouragement than I ever anticipated.
She’s never yelled at me. She’s never told me I’m not good enough. She’s never given up on me.
I am open with my close friends about seeing a counselor. I often tell them I like it because it’s a safe space to talk. I look forward to our sessions. I trust her, in part, because she’s legally obligated to keep what I say to herself. I have major trust issues but she’s helped me conquer those.
She has helped me as I entered the world of online dating. She has helped me build my confidence. She even encouraged me to start this blog as a way to find my voice.
I am stronger because of her. I have started new journeys and achieved a great deal in the past three years because of her encouragement.
I know everyone is different ― that’s what makes the world go ’round, but for me, my life changed that Monday morning I first walked through those doors. I am not sure how I conquered any challenges before I met her and I’m glad she’s coaching me through it all.
If you’ve tried talk therapy and it wasn’t for you, that’s perfectly fine. I was able to find a counselor I clicked with immediately which I know isn’t true for everyone.
If you’re on the fence about talk therapy, I encourage you to give it a try. It might be exactly what you need.
Glitter on the Sidewalk 