Love is in the Hair

I mentioned self-care and activities that can refresh your soul briefly in my last post.

When I was out of work, I lost a ton of hair from the stress.  I cried every day. It was my lowest point and I hope I never have to go through that again.

Hair is cosmetic, I know, but no matter the amount of vitamins I consumed that boasted hair growth capabilities, it still wouldn’t budge. My hair is super fine and I didn’t have a ton of it even before the loss.

Every eight weeks, I’d ask my hair stylist if she saw any new growth.

Her responses were heavily sugar-coated, but the answer was almost always a very kind “no.”

I’d often ask her what else I could do in addition to taking Biotin and Gelatin supplements to promote growth. Was it how I was styling my hair? Was it a product I was using? Was it genetics or my age? Was it a certain food I was eating? Was it something that I wasn’t eating?

“Looking at the patterns of your hair loss, it’s something within you,” she’d say.

My eyes fill with tears just thinking about it the words “it’s something within you.” I didn’t know the true meaning of her words until rather recently.

Years had passed since my temporary job loss. I had bounced back professionally. I had given up and came to terms with the hair loss – it wasn’t growing back. My shoulder length blonde hair was a lost cause and still patchy. When I’d see someone in public with full, beautiful, thick hair, I’d find myself jealous and wonder how they maintained it. I figured they had never gone through anything traumatic. “Lucky them,” I’d think.

When COVID-19 hit, I was able to work from home for the first time in my career. I didn’t need to set an alarm clock. I didn’t have to sit in stand-still highway traffic for countless hours per week. My after-work commitments were non-existent. I had down time in the evenings. I love my job, but traffic jams, noisy alarm clocks and evening in-person meetings were frequent, unwelcomed guests.

Almost immediately after I began working from home, I noticed a lot of baby, spikey hairs forming on the top of my head.  Then they were all over my head – at my front hairline (technically called “forelock” – thanks Google!), near my temples and in the back where I had frequently seen straight scalp. It was a miracle.

It turns out, my issue was always “within me” just like she said.

It was stress. There wasn’t enough Biotin in the world to trump the effects of my daily stress levels. I never allowed myself time to relax, even on the weekends. I was “go, go, go” and I’d feel guilty if I wasn’t busy. I was running on very little energy and I’d do everything I needed to do to “push through” tiredness on the weekends to accomplish all my goals. My weekdays and weeknights were jammed packed, too. I thought I was Superwoman…although I doubt DC Comics would ever introduce a female superhero with bald spots.

We’re a year into the pandemic, I’m back to working in the office (for the most part) but I’ve vowed not to let myself lose my hair again. I’m setting more boundaries and saying “no” to after-work commitments when possible. I’m not Superwoman, but I feel much stronger than I have ever been.

I take naps on the weekends if I feel the urge. I’m super active and am down 30 pounds, so I’m doing something right. Giving into an urge to nap or rest isn’t a bad thing, I’ve learned – it is necessary to stay sane, happy and healthy.

No matter the day or time, I try to do a lot of activities that feed my soul. I say “no” if something will deplete my energy. Sometimes when I’m on the fence about agreeing to a specific commitment, I ask myself if it is worth impacting my once fragile hairline. Nine times out of 10, that thought helps me politely decline the ask and remind myself I’m still doing a lot. My self-esteem matters and how I treat myself matters, too.

If watching a movie in my pajamas as the sun goes down feeds my soul that evening, so be it. If getting a good take-out meal and writing a blogpost feeds my soul instead, that’s fine, too.

I’ve learned to put myself first. No committee involvement or work project is worth being unhealthy.