Sharing Your Light

Just days before my birthday this past spring, someone told me “I believe you have a lot of light to share with the world.”

I thought those were such incredibly kind, inspiring words. Life changing to be truthful.

I’ve always had a tough time fitting in or “finding my tribe.” I had spent the year prior attending a local, non-denominational church and although I absolutely love their messages and what they stand for, the church leaders appeared to be incredibly “cliquey.” I had offered to volunteer as a greeter at various events they host and kept getting rejected.

Volunteering at their events as a greeter seemed like a no-brainer to me. I could be helpful to the church while spending my extra time in a manner than fulfilled me. My offers always brought with them the all-too-familiar “thanks but no thanks”/”don’t call us, we’ll call you” replies that I often received as a new college graduate looking for an entry-level job 15 years ago.

I had critiqued myself for months. Maybe it’s my clothes? My hair? Maybe I’m trying too hard? It could be anything, or nothing — maybe it’s all in my head?

Thanks to a trusted advisor, I learned all about the “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” responses as a way to cope with stressful and traumatic events. A combination of our innate personality traits, our past trauma and the exact situation tend to dictate which response we choose.

Here’s a general breakdown:

• Fight: facing any perceived threat aggressively
• Flight: running away from the danger
• Freeze: unable to move or act against a threat
• Fawn: immediately acting to try to please to avoid any conflict

Simply stated, I fall into the “fawn” category, also known as “love bombing,” the most. If someone is upset with me or I perceive he or she doesn’t like me, I become enthusiastically agreeable and overly supportive of what they do.

Trauma responses happen naturally and sadly, I’ve “fawned” all my life. In this particular situation, I protected my feelings by continuing to ask about volunteer efforts and telling the church leaders how much I enjoyed attending their services. I wanted them to like me and find a way to be included. I thought I could sway them with an abundance of kindness.

I finally took the hint and after some soul searching, I stepped back and re-evaluated how I wanted to move forward. Did I want to continue attending a church where I didn’t feel welcome or appreciated?

I took some time and tried other churches. Honestly, I still haven’t found the perfect fit.

I still attend that church on occasion, but it’s because I enjoy the message and the music. However, I stopped inquiring about ways I could get more involved. There was no level of flattery I could offer to find a way into their clique.

Instead, I filled my natural need to volunteer with a new, non-religious organization that appreciates me for who I am. They couldn’t be more grateful for the time and energy I give them as a volunteer.

I share my “light” with them and they value me as a person. What a beautiful concept!